Today I finally went to gramdpa's grave. It wasn't has hard as I had imagined, but it was far from easy. I felt as if going up there was admittance from my mind that he was really gone. I can't say that it will be easier for me to visit his grave, but I know each time will get easier. I know I will eventually accept God's taking of him. I know God has a plan, and soon we shall see that unfold. His taking of my grandpa was the beginning of a bigger thing for my family. Although, right now, it seems that each one of us are drifting apart more. Maybe things haven't changed really, but to me it seems that way.
As I approached his plot, time seemed to have stopped. Almost as if I was walking on air. I had built myself to believe that he would be "visible" to me. At the least, I would have felt him there. That wasn't the case. I couldn't feel him, see him, hear him. He was completely gone. That was my fear. The reason I was unwilling to accept his passing. I didn't want to lose him completely, and today it felt as though I had. My uncle Jerry pointed out that I had, had something a lot of people don't/didn't have. I had memories of my grandfather. That statement alone made me think of what I really did get during his last month of life. I got to live with him. I got to see him when he woke up, and see him before he laid down. I got to be with him all day for almost a month. Something kept me there, I knew we should have went back home before we did, but something pushed me to stay. I got to see his last smiles. The last bit of love he had for my grandmother. The last laughs he had with my children. However, I also saw the last of his suffering, worries, sadness. The last of his life.
I can remember a dream I had not long before he passed. It was as if I was floating above him. He was laying in his hospital bed. Alone. I saw him take his last deep breath. I never spoke a word to anyone about that until after he passed. Helplessly watching him slowly die was murder for me. Selfish, I know. I was very selfish. I didn't want to give him up. The last thing I wanted was to live the rest of my life without him there.
I constantly beat myself up with "could of, should of". The day before he passed, he had asked to see my three year old. Now, before anyone thinks that he loved her more than the rest, he DIDN'T. She was the baby of the great grand kids. She would do stuff to make him laugh, and at the same time, do things to get him to fight with her. However, I didn't take her that night. I told mom that it was to late to go, and that I would take her as soon as I could. Mom said that she would take her the next morning. I told her that was fine, that if she wanted to take her, I would go help dad at the flea market. I had no clue that those words would come back to haunt me that next morning. Almost half way to our stop, dad and I come to an unusual signal area for our cell phones. At that moment my world stopped. I had a voice mail from my uncle that I needed to call granny's house immediately. Simultaneously dad gets a call from mom telling him to get home quick. Grampa had passed. Naturally, I was mad after the fact. The thought of "Why hadn't he waited for the visit that was planned for that day?", "Why, would God take that from him and her?" I waited for God's answer and still haven't got the answer, but slowly, I'm understanding that it wasn't meant for me to understand.
I suppose it's not meant for me to ever know the answers to those questions. That's ok though, because I know soon we will see him again. I just have to keep faith. I have to keep pushing my family and myself. So, I suppose for tonight, I will leave you with another poem. Hopefully, with this blog, someone will see that life truly is short, and we need to spend it loving those who mean the most to us.
Today I visited your grave.
Trying to remember what you gave.
Looking for answers in the wind.
Praying that I will not break, but only bend.
I held up strong in memory of you.
Still inside, I wish I knew.
The reason for why you had to go.
Daily, my heart will learn to grow.
I'll learn to live without you here
And hope to always feel you near.
I'll keep living and will always pray.
In hopes that God will let me see you again some day!
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
May 30th, Memorial Day Sunday
Good morning everyone! I pray everyone is having a blessed Sunday.
For me this morning isn't a happy morning. I had hoped that since grampa passed 4 months and 6 days ago, I would be able to handle things better. I have yet to visit his grave, but this morning I find myself longing to go. I can't say if I will try to, but I can assure you that my missing him gets strong as the minutes pass. I realize he isn't really there, but then again, part of me feels like we never lost him. Like he is still in the hospital waiting for us to come and get him. The rational side of me knows he has gone to be with our mighty Lord. The irrational side of me wants to go pick him up and bring him home to us. It is selfish to wish him back from where he has gone. I realize that.
At his funeral, although Brothers Johnny, Dean, and Eugene, gave a beautiful testimony of grampa's life, nothing could truly tell who he is. No words said could have given him justice. Words could never offer up the wonder of his life. A WWII veteran, a farmer, loving husband, loving father, grandfather, great grandfather, and friend. Those words mean little if you knew him. Nothing said could ever tell anyone who he was. I won't even do him the injustice of trying to explain who he was.
As I straightened my hair this morning, a LOT of thoughts came to me. The thought of how at times it feels he left me here. Left me without anyone who takes time to listen, care, love, or understand me. Although, he left me with people who love me. He left me with those who also, at times, don't show understanding. They don't understand the aches and pains this body of mine has. The emotions and feelings of my mind. The breaking of my heart. So, I find myself(not just for today) needing to go to the one person, other than God himself, who ever understood all of me.
So with all this said, although, my mind still wants to talk, I am going to post this poem that I just wrote this morning. When you bow your heads today, please remember me and pray that God helps me daily to understand and accept this whole ordeal.
Today I sit with tear filled eyes
Wishing to have back all the goodbyes.
God took you to a better home.
No more need for you to roam.
I wonder how I can go on.
Knowing you have met the Son.
This is once I should be happy
Instead I feel so crappy.
God took your hand
And took you to that promised land
Far from my sight.
To a land so warm and bright
Today I’ll go to visit your empty shell.
What I’ll feel I can not tell.
To see the ground all sunken in.
A place I’ll find to kneel and bend.
I’ll say a prayer for my strength.
To touch the spot we put you beneath.
I know your not there for me to see.
But I know I’ll feel you beside of me.
Holding me close so I don’t fall.
In you arms I always felt so small.
For this day, I’ll shed a tear.
And pray that God lets you always be near.
For me this morning isn't a happy morning. I had hoped that since grampa passed 4 months and 6 days ago, I would be able to handle things better. I have yet to visit his grave, but this morning I find myself longing to go. I can't say if I will try to, but I can assure you that my missing him gets strong as the minutes pass. I realize he isn't really there, but then again, part of me feels like we never lost him. Like he is still in the hospital waiting for us to come and get him. The rational side of me knows he has gone to be with our mighty Lord. The irrational side of me wants to go pick him up and bring him home to us. It is selfish to wish him back from where he has gone. I realize that.
At his funeral, although Brothers Johnny, Dean, and Eugene, gave a beautiful testimony of grampa's life, nothing could truly tell who he is. No words said could have given him justice. Words could never offer up the wonder of his life. A WWII veteran, a farmer, loving husband, loving father, grandfather, great grandfather, and friend. Those words mean little if you knew him. Nothing said could ever tell anyone who he was. I won't even do him the injustice of trying to explain who he was.
As I straightened my hair this morning, a LOT of thoughts came to me. The thought of how at times it feels he left me here. Left me without anyone who takes time to listen, care, love, or understand me. Although, he left me with people who love me. He left me with those who also, at times, don't show understanding. They don't understand the aches and pains this body of mine has. The emotions and feelings of my mind. The breaking of my heart. So, I find myself(not just for today) needing to go to the one person, other than God himself, who ever understood all of me.
So with all this said, although, my mind still wants to talk, I am going to post this poem that I just wrote this morning. When you bow your heads today, please remember me and pray that God helps me daily to understand and accept this whole ordeal.
Today I sit with tear filled eyes
Wishing to have back all the goodbyes.
God took you to a better home.
No more need for you to roam.
I wonder how I can go on.
Knowing you have met the Son.
This is once I should be happy
Instead I feel so crappy.
God took your hand
And took you to that promised land
Far from my sight.
To a land so warm and bright
Today I’ll go to visit your empty shell.
What I’ll feel I can not tell.
To see the ground all sunken in.
A place I’ll find to kneel and bend.
I’ll say a prayer for my strength.
To touch the spot we put you beneath.
I know your not there for me to see.
But I know I’ll feel you beside of me.
Holding me close so I don’t fall.
In you arms I always felt so small.
For this day, I’ll shed a tear.
And pray that God lets you always be near.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Some of my poetry.
I don't have much to talk about tonight. I have been wearing myself down all week trying to get this Camp out sleep over birthday party planned out. So, instead of a long drug out blab session. I thought I would share some of my poems. Please, respect me and my work. Don't claim any of it as your work. These poems are things that came from my heart. They were wrote while shedding many tears (and a few laughs of memories). I hope you enjoy them. Few of them have titles.
When things seem to fall apart,
I remember the day I opened my heart
I asked you to come in
And wash away all of my sin
You gave a new birth and an abundance of love
And remind me daily that you are always above
To keep me up right
When life seems to tight.
When I stumble and fall
You pick me up and stand me tall.
I remember well what you brought me from
And wait for the day you promised would come.
When life feels like an endless cave
I remember what you lovingly gave.
A son so loving and kind
Something down here we rarely find.
So we run to your arms
Knowing we will be safe from all harm.
My prayer this night
Is your help to finish this fight.
Time is passing slowly each day.
Holding on tight to things you would say.
Praying a pray for another days light.
Knowing you lead the ultimate fight.
You gave God your soul and promised your life
Leaving behind your family and wife.
We know that you are in a better place,
But still wish would see your sweet face.
To hug you tight and kiss your cheek
To see you sit here feeble and week
Was something none of us could take.
Yet we are know this journey will all will make
To see you again in Heaven some day.
I’m selfish you see, I want you back to stay.
I wondered at first why God would hurt us so bad.
Knowing the loss of you would make us so sad.
But he had a plan to follow through
He needed an angel so he took you.
I want you to know I love you so much
Just to feel one more time your tender touch.
I know you would want me to hold up and be strong.
But seeing you again is the for which I long.
Selfish of me to wish you were back,
To take you from your mansion to a little old shack.
You’re missed dearly and that will not change.
Not seeing here feels so strange.
I’ll not wish you back, and I will not cry
For this was only farewell, but never goodbye.
The days pass by
While I sit here alone
Wanting to see you as I cry
Listing for a simple tone.
A whisper
A laugh
A hum in the wind.
I miss your hugs
The comfort they gave.
You soul lives in Heaven,
But your body in a grave.
I feel so cold
So empty inside.
I see your chair
Your hats
Your clothes
A life for God,
I’m so glad you chose.
My love for you is forever.
It’s dwindling is never.
I stand here watching as you walk by,
Wondering why you even try.
You come out each season to look for me,
I have saw you sitting in that tree.
I walk out in range for any good shot
The shots ring out behind my trot.
I run off laughing because once again I know,
Another season gone by with no deer in tow…
Waiting for the pain to leave
Knowing I should take time to grieve
But the family is so torn apart
I hate to let this crack break my heart.
You laid alone as God came down.
Without a whisper without a sound
You left this world and us too.
I couldn’t say goodbye to you,
Or let you know my love.
But God needed you in Heaven above.
I hide the tears, no one should see,
Everyone says that’s not the way to be.
I want to take the walk
To your grave for us to talk
I wish He would have let you stay
But I am let her to cry and pray.
For a day I’ll see you again,
Our life in Heaven will then begin.
You were more then and grandfather to me.
Just wish I could have let you see
The Child of God, I’ve grown to be.
But from above your looking down
And watch each time my knees touch the ground.
I pray for peace and comfort for us down here
And ask that I didn’t need to shed a tear.
But the tears do fall fast and hard.
Breaking this wall I built to guard
MY BREAKING HEART!
Days now spent in endless tears.
Sometimes it seem that no one cares.
I know down deep tears are seeping
And they all will start weeping.
You loss has left a gash so wide
Sometimes I want to just go in and hide.
I don’t go visit, your old home.
But still my mind will roam
To the times we spent together
Knowing inside it wouldn’t last forever
We miss you dearly, but don’t ask why.
We knew it was your time to fly.
Well all knew this day would come.
No one imagined, we’d feel so numb.
I’ll miss you till my life is through
And know one day I’ll see you
Standing at the gates of pearl
Tomorrow’s his birthday
Wishing he could hear you say
“Happy Birthday my little man”
And pat his back with your hand so tan.
He doesn’t realize how lucky he was
And how dear you were to all of us.
He’s turning eight, I should be glad,
I wish he could have known you like I had.
To hear your tales of times gone by
When it come to them you were never shy.
I wish you were here to share in his special day
To hear the things you would have to say.
It’s days like this I miss you most.
Special days to share a toast.
To things past and things to come
Our first Easter apart,
This completely breaks my heart
I kept looking for your face
But it was out of it’s place.
I had hoped to be able to smile
If just for a while
But that’s something I couldn’t find
You took it with you when you left us behind
I know your leaving wasn’t by choice
But with this decision you had no voice.
I know time will make this easy
But that thought feels so cheesy
I wouldn’t dream to bring you back
To live in a clay built shack.
A beautiful body, you now show
Your lost babies are surely in tow
You have the life most dream of
No one pushing or trying to shove
You walk up right no cane needed
When God called you humbled and heeded.
Now the days come to a close
And only Heaven knows
How I’ll move on
With you gone…
When things seem to fall apart,
I remember the day I opened my heart
I asked you to come in
And wash away all of my sin
You gave a new birth and an abundance of love
And remind me daily that you are always above
To keep me up right
When life seems to tight.
When I stumble and fall
You pick me up and stand me tall.
I remember well what you brought me from
And wait for the day you promised would come.
When life feels like an endless cave
I remember what you lovingly gave.
A son so loving and kind
Something down here we rarely find.
So we run to your arms
Knowing we will be safe from all harm.
My prayer this night
Is your help to finish this fight.
Time is passing slowly each day.
Holding on tight to things you would say.
Praying a pray for another days light.
Knowing you lead the ultimate fight.
You gave God your soul and promised your life
Leaving behind your family and wife.
We know that you are in a better place,
But still wish would see your sweet face.
To hug you tight and kiss your cheek
To see you sit here feeble and week
Was something none of us could take.
Yet we are know this journey will all will make
To see you again in Heaven some day.
I’m selfish you see, I want you back to stay.
I wondered at first why God would hurt us so bad.
Knowing the loss of you would make us so sad.
But he had a plan to follow through
He needed an angel so he took you.
I want you to know I love you so much
Just to feel one more time your tender touch.
I know you would want me to hold up and be strong.
But seeing you again is the for which I long.
Selfish of me to wish you were back,
To take you from your mansion to a little old shack.
You’re missed dearly and that will not change.
Not seeing here feels so strange.
I’ll not wish you back, and I will not cry
For this was only farewell, but never goodbye.
The days pass by
While I sit here alone
Wanting to see you as I cry
Listing for a simple tone.
A whisper
A laugh
A hum in the wind.
I miss your hugs
The comfort they gave.
You soul lives in Heaven,
But your body in a grave.
I feel so cold
So empty inside.
I see your chair
Your hats
Your clothes
A life for God,
I’m so glad you chose.
My love for you is forever.
It’s dwindling is never.
I stand here watching as you walk by,
Wondering why you even try.
You come out each season to look for me,
I have saw you sitting in that tree.
I walk out in range for any good shot
The shots ring out behind my trot.
I run off laughing because once again I know,
Another season gone by with no deer in tow…
Waiting for the pain to leave
Knowing I should take time to grieve
But the family is so torn apart
I hate to let this crack break my heart.
You laid alone as God came down.
Without a whisper without a sound
You left this world and us too.
I couldn’t say goodbye to you,
Or let you know my love.
But God needed you in Heaven above.
I hide the tears, no one should see,
Everyone says that’s not the way to be.
I want to take the walk
To your grave for us to talk
I wish He would have let you stay
But I am let her to cry and pray.
For a day I’ll see you again,
Our life in Heaven will then begin.
You were more then and grandfather to me.
Just wish I could have let you see
The Child of God, I’ve grown to be.
But from above your looking down
And watch each time my knees touch the ground.
I pray for peace and comfort for us down here
And ask that I didn’t need to shed a tear.
But the tears do fall fast and hard.
Breaking this wall I built to guard
MY BREAKING HEART!
Days now spent in endless tears.
Sometimes it seem that no one cares.
I know down deep tears are seeping
And they all will start weeping.
You loss has left a gash so wide
Sometimes I want to just go in and hide.
I don’t go visit, your old home.
But still my mind will roam
To the times we spent together
Knowing inside it wouldn’t last forever
We miss you dearly, but don’t ask why.
We knew it was your time to fly.
Well all knew this day would come.
No one imagined, we’d feel so numb.
I’ll miss you till my life is through
And know one day I’ll see you
Standing at the gates of pearl
Tomorrow’s his birthday
Wishing he could hear you say
“Happy Birthday my little man”
And pat his back with your hand so tan.
He doesn’t realize how lucky he was
And how dear you were to all of us.
He’s turning eight, I should be glad,
I wish he could have known you like I had.
To hear your tales of times gone by
When it come to them you were never shy.
I wish you were here to share in his special day
To hear the things you would have to say.
It’s days like this I miss you most.
Special days to share a toast.
To things past and things to come
Our first Easter apart,
This completely breaks my heart
I kept looking for your face
But it was out of it’s place.
I had hoped to be able to smile
If just for a while
But that’s something I couldn’t find
You took it with you when you left us behind
I know your leaving wasn’t by choice
But with this decision you had no voice.
I know time will make this easy
But that thought feels so cheesy
I wouldn’t dream to bring you back
To live in a clay built shack.
A beautiful body, you now show
Your lost babies are surely in tow
You have the life most dream of
No one pushing or trying to shove
You walk up right no cane needed
When God called you humbled and heeded.
Now the days come to a close
And only Heaven knows
How I’ll move on
With you gone…
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
May 26th 7:48 AM
Good morning everyone!
I seem to have forgotten to post yesterday, which must mean life was decently easy to live. Not normal, but I'm sure not going to complain. My 3 year old, didn't behave the best ever was, but that's to be expected. I think another thing this week is the fact that Friday, I am going to be hosting an over night camp out for my 10 year old's Birthday.
I had no idea how long it would take to get everything together. Not to mention getting the yard fixed all pretty like I WANT it to be. I still have to:
pick up her cake
get all the sodas(maybe juices instead)
the plates
cups
presents
prizes for the treasure hunt
set up the tent so it's aired out and such
the food (hot dog buns, and stuff for smores)
the kool-aide and vinegar and a few more t-shirts for tie dying.
PLUS finish straightening the house up. (that's the easy part)
I'm pretty sure I'm forgetting something, but guess I'll think of it when the stuff isn't here for us to use. I always forget something.
David and my son are going fishing, or so that was the plan. My little cousin Jasmine is suppose to come to help me with all the kids. I'm not gonna say that it's gonna be a fun party, but I'm gonna do my best to make it a blast for them.
Well, I guess now I'm off to try to start getting things together! Hope everyone has a great Memorial Day Weekend in case I don't get to post again before Monday!!!
I seem to have forgotten to post yesterday, which must mean life was decently easy to live. Not normal, but I'm sure not going to complain. My 3 year old, didn't behave the best ever was, but that's to be expected. I think another thing this week is the fact that Friday, I am going to be hosting an over night camp out for my 10 year old's Birthday.
I had no idea how long it would take to get everything together. Not to mention getting the yard fixed all pretty like I WANT it to be. I still have to:
pick up her cake
get all the sodas(maybe juices instead)
the plates
cups
presents
prizes for the treasure hunt
set up the tent so it's aired out and such
the food (hot dog buns, and stuff for smores)
the kool-aide and vinegar and a few more t-shirts for tie dying.
PLUS finish straightening the house up. (that's the easy part)
I'm pretty sure I'm forgetting something, but guess I'll think of it when the stuff isn't here for us to use. I always forget something.
David and my son are going fishing, or so that was the plan. My little cousin Jasmine is suppose to come to help me with all the kids. I'm not gonna say that it's gonna be a fun party, but I'm gonna do my best to make it a blast for them.
Well, I guess now I'm off to try to start getting things together! Hope everyone has a great Memorial Day Weekend in case I don't get to post again before Monday!!!
Monday, May 24, 2010
May 24th, 2010 1107
Now that I am thinking clearly this morning, and the stress of the last few days has let up some, I thought I would write another entry into the life of me.
I can't say that life has dealt me a fair hand every time it deals the cards, but I can say that each bad hand leads me to another good hand. I don't always win with the better hand, but it gets me closer each time one is dealt.
Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking and re-evaluating my life. Looking at things I can change, and trying to forget the things I can't. Hoping that somewhere in all this mess I have created for myself, I can find a reasonable fix for the future I have yet to make. I see things as a blur, which makes it harder to depict things as they are seen by others. Some may see the accomplishments I have made more then the mistakes, those are called friends. You know the people who see the good in you no matter how bad you feel about yourself. I have also noticed that people who you think you know are really NOT who you think they are.
Now with all that said, it's time to look at myself. My past is full of lies and deceit. From me to others? No, from others to me. I was raised with better morals than that. I won't lie now, nor would I have in the past, but I have lied. Everyone has once in their lives. It may have not been something you wanted to do, may have even been that you miss heard a statement and repeated it as a fact. Either way, it happens.
I have been a work at home mom for 5 years. It doesn't pay the bills nor does it put food on the table. It does help me build friendships that sail above others. It's also taught me to trust SOME people more than others. However, overall the work at home community is a tight knit bunch of people.
I'm not even sure where I wanted this post to go, but I think I will end it here. Please just be careful before passing judgement on others until you look at your life fully and completely!
I can't say that life has dealt me a fair hand every time it deals the cards, but I can say that each bad hand leads me to another good hand. I don't always win with the better hand, but it gets me closer each time one is dealt.
Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking and re-evaluating my life. Looking at things I can change, and trying to forget the things I can't. Hoping that somewhere in all this mess I have created for myself, I can find a reasonable fix for the future I have yet to make. I see things as a blur, which makes it harder to depict things as they are seen by others. Some may see the accomplishments I have made more then the mistakes, those are called friends. You know the people who see the good in you no matter how bad you feel about yourself. I have also noticed that people who you think you know are really NOT who you think they are.
Now with all that said, it's time to look at myself. My past is full of lies and deceit. From me to others? No, from others to me. I was raised with better morals than that. I won't lie now, nor would I have in the past, but I have lied. Everyone has once in their lives. It may have not been something you wanted to do, may have even been that you miss heard a statement and repeated it as a fact. Either way, it happens.
I have been a work at home mom for 5 years. It doesn't pay the bills nor does it put food on the table. It does help me build friendships that sail above others. It's also taught me to trust SOME people more than others. However, overall the work at home community is a tight knit bunch of people.
I'm not even sure where I wanted this post to go, but I think I will end it here. Please just be careful before passing judgement on others until you look at your life fully and completely!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
May 23rd 10:00pm(really day two)
Where to start. I guess at 7:30 this morning, when mom called asking me to bring her and dad something they had forgotten to take to the flea market. My first mistake was agreeing to bring it to them. My second mistake was believing that my marriage was strong enough to handle anything. Trying to help everyone plus keep a happy home life isn’t as easy as I like to pretend it is. In my mind, it should be easy to make sure everyone is happy, and be the good wife. Problem is, when I face reality, I’m the one who ends up falling apart at the seems. Physically and emotionally.
Any way, I get up when mom calls, wake David up asking if he wants to go with me. Naturally, he didn’t, it wasn’t a shock that he didn’t want to go. I get MaKaliah ready and myself of course, and out the door we go. I was to go to mom’s pick up her truck and the item they forgot, and off I went. The whole trip down there, the whole hour and a half trip, you would think I would have had time to think about things in my life. However, with a three year old, it’s hard to think of much more than keeping her happy for the trip.
I arrive with the item and the sat there while customer’s came and went. Watching each person as they stopped or walked by. Wondering how the couples that were there could be so happy with each other. None of them acted as if they were the slightest error in the other. I remember thinking “Life isn’t that good for anyone.” I can’t seem to figure out how anyone can find that much contentment in their lives. Spiritually, I am content, extremely content, but relationship wise I can’t find that contentment. Although I love my husband with no end. There are parts of our relationship that makes me wonder if that love is returned. I admit I’m not perfect. I don’t go to sleep like he can, I’m a night owl. I HATE our bed, for that matter, I have issues with beds period.
I wonder at times what more I could do to assure that he is never upset. When he comes home from work I bring him his dinner as soon as it’s done. I drag out any hour of the night if he needs clothes washed. The one thing I don’t do is sleep in that bed. Shouldn’t he be happy to have someone to act as a maid to him, someone who is completely dedicated to him. Someone who would rather die than to give him up. Is that not enough? I struggle daily with emotions and fears of losing him. Yet, from him, I feel not wanted at times. I mean anyone can make someone feel sexy. I feel at times that I’m not good enough for him. However, to tell him that would be like telling this whole blog to pick up and take life. Things I say about how he makes me feel seems to mean nothing to him. If I ask him if he wants me to leave he says no. So my question is, why would he want me to be here if it’s so hard to be happy with me and our lives. Why would he want to push me away?
I know he has stresses, but, so do I. He works comes home and is served his dinner and soda without having to move unless he so chooses to. I do not FORCE him to care for himself unless I am just not going to be here. Is that what I’m doing wrong? Is it not enough to know someone would give their live to feel one ounce of your love? He shows no feelings at all. No love, no appreciation, not even an ounce of concern for more than himself. He doesn’t play with the kids, sometimes it’s like he ignores them completely. Granted, the two older ones aren’t his, but at times they are the closest thing they have to a daddy. Sometimes when they come home from a visit from their dad’s he is so angry with them. I know he completely despises their dad, but to act angry at them over it isn’t fair to them. They didn’t ask to be in the situation they are in. I am in NO way defending their “donor”. He was a terrible husband all the way around, but to treat the kids with anger after their visits from them is not fair to them.
I had been keeping the way the kids feel about David from him. Not because I didn’t want him to want them, but because what was the point of telling him if he didn’t want them around. When I told him, he acted like that changed his view of them, but once they were home, he was back to the same actions. I years me up watching him around them, and seeing the hurt in them at his rejections. Sometimes, I just feel everyone would be better off if I could find a cave in the woods and hide. Just keep myself away from everyone to save them all from the adverse effects I seem to have on everyone’s life. Then, I stop to think of how empty that would leave my kids feeling. I know they need me, and I know I need them. So leaving them is not an option. I would rather live a million fights and troubles than to not have them in my life.
It seems lately, this woman, seems more and more lost in this life. Nothing seems to pan out as planned. David’s glucose levels are through the roof and honestly, we haven’t had the additional $25 to even consider getting his insulin. Naturally, I carry the blame for that, according to him. With all the bills that seem to keep piling up medications, even with his insurance through work, fall to the back burner. Aside from his insulin, he medications are $40 per month. Now I know anyone who reads this is going to say “Seriously? $40 per month, and your complaining?” I’m not complaining because he needs them. However, it is just so hard to find the extra money a month that is needed to get them. I do all the work at home things I can find. None of which are paying the bills. I do my best to help all those that I can, yet, I find myself stuck outside of everything. How is it you give your all to help those who you can, or well could at one time, and when your falling flat on your face no one is there.
Sorry for ranting so long, and not really making any sense. It’s been a very upsetting night and I just want it to end. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.
UPDATED @ 1:07 AM…
With my Designz By Dee site, I made and advertising offer. With that offer, I raised more than enough to get the insulin needed for my husband. I can never repay these ladies and wouldn’t have a clue where to begin to repay their kindness. Please watch the blog for links and banners for their sites. Stop by and help each of them out if you can!
Any way, I get up when mom calls, wake David up asking if he wants to go with me. Naturally, he didn’t, it wasn’t a shock that he didn’t want to go. I get MaKaliah ready and myself of course, and out the door we go. I was to go to mom’s pick up her truck and the item they forgot, and off I went. The whole trip down there, the whole hour and a half trip, you would think I would have had time to think about things in my life. However, with a three year old, it’s hard to think of much more than keeping her happy for the trip.
I arrive with the item and the sat there while customer’s came and went. Watching each person as they stopped or walked by. Wondering how the couples that were there could be so happy with each other. None of them acted as if they were the slightest error in the other. I remember thinking “Life isn’t that good for anyone.” I can’t seem to figure out how anyone can find that much contentment in their lives. Spiritually, I am content, extremely content, but relationship wise I can’t find that contentment. Although I love my husband with no end. There are parts of our relationship that makes me wonder if that love is returned. I admit I’m not perfect. I don’t go to sleep like he can, I’m a night owl. I HATE our bed, for that matter, I have issues with beds period.
I wonder at times what more I could do to assure that he is never upset. When he comes home from work I bring him his dinner as soon as it’s done. I drag out any hour of the night if he needs clothes washed. The one thing I don’t do is sleep in that bed. Shouldn’t he be happy to have someone to act as a maid to him, someone who is completely dedicated to him. Someone who would rather die than to give him up. Is that not enough? I struggle daily with emotions and fears of losing him. Yet, from him, I feel not wanted at times. I mean anyone can make someone feel sexy. I feel at times that I’m not good enough for him. However, to tell him that would be like telling this whole blog to pick up and take life. Things I say about how he makes me feel seems to mean nothing to him. If I ask him if he wants me to leave he says no. So my question is, why would he want me to be here if it’s so hard to be happy with me and our lives. Why would he want to push me away?
I know he has stresses, but, so do I. He works comes home and is served his dinner and soda without having to move unless he so chooses to. I do not FORCE him to care for himself unless I am just not going to be here. Is that what I’m doing wrong? Is it not enough to know someone would give their live to feel one ounce of your love? He shows no feelings at all. No love, no appreciation, not even an ounce of concern for more than himself. He doesn’t play with the kids, sometimes it’s like he ignores them completely. Granted, the two older ones aren’t his, but at times they are the closest thing they have to a daddy. Sometimes when they come home from a visit from their dad’s he is so angry with them. I know he completely despises their dad, but to act angry at them over it isn’t fair to them. They didn’t ask to be in the situation they are in. I am in NO way defending their “donor”. He was a terrible husband all the way around, but to treat the kids with anger after their visits from them is not fair to them.
I had been keeping the way the kids feel about David from him. Not because I didn’t want him to want them, but because what was the point of telling him if he didn’t want them around. When I told him, he acted like that changed his view of them, but once they were home, he was back to the same actions. I years me up watching him around them, and seeing the hurt in them at his rejections. Sometimes, I just feel everyone would be better off if I could find a cave in the woods and hide. Just keep myself away from everyone to save them all from the adverse effects I seem to have on everyone’s life. Then, I stop to think of how empty that would leave my kids feeling. I know they need me, and I know I need them. So leaving them is not an option. I would rather live a million fights and troubles than to not have them in my life.
It seems lately, this woman, seems more and more lost in this life. Nothing seems to pan out as planned. David’s glucose levels are through the roof and honestly, we haven’t had the additional $25 to even consider getting his insulin. Naturally, I carry the blame for that, according to him. With all the bills that seem to keep piling up medications, even with his insurance through work, fall to the back burner. Aside from his insulin, he medications are $40 per month. Now I know anyone who reads this is going to say “Seriously? $40 per month, and your complaining?” I’m not complaining because he needs them. However, it is just so hard to find the extra money a month that is needed to get them. I do all the work at home things I can find. None of which are paying the bills. I do my best to help all those that I can, yet, I find myself stuck outside of everything. How is it you give your all to help those who you can, or well could at one time, and when your falling flat on your face no one is there.
Sorry for ranting so long, and not really making any sense. It’s been a very upsetting night and I just want it to end. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.
UPDATED @ 1:07 AM…
With my Designz By Dee site, I made and advertising offer. With that offer, I raised more than enough to get the insulin needed for my husband. I can never repay these ladies and wouldn’t have a clue where to begin to repay their kindness. Please watch the blog for links and banners for their sites. Stop by and help each of them out if you can!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
May 23rd, 12:35am Day one
I sit there tonight, this morning, however you wish to look at it, and wonder about my life. I spend most nights remembering how things have happened to me, or things I have seen. A mere 29 years and 26 days. Plenty of life should have been in those years.
I can remember being little and seeing kids with things that I could never have. Things that at the time I'm sure were, to me, must haves. The little girl in pictures from that time seems to be lost in the woman she has grown to be. The little girl, who wanted to be a singer, teacher, and doctor, has turned into a mom of three, divorcee, and remarried. A woman who sometimes feels so lost that life just seems to leave her nonexistent to many around her. The little girl from so long ago has long since passed on and left no mark on the world. Just videos and pictures to prove she did at one point feel full of life. Who at one point existed.
Here is the story that has this woman missing the little girl more each day...
The Morning of May 26th 1999, a bright and beautiful day. The girl, who had just one month to the day had turned 18, was graduating. She was set to take on the world. She wasn't in the top of her class, but graduated with a rather high G.P.A. She was so proud of where she was. Sitting amongst her fellow classmates, who had battled the war with high school and was able to proudly walk across that stage. She knew she would miss the life of getting up early to chase her dreams of taking on the world and leaving her mark.
God had other plans though. Rather, she has other plans, or however you want to look at it. She became bitter at the world, and started being less active and fell into a relationship with and married a man who helped her destroy her life. A man who little by little created the woman she is today. The woman who is afraid of people, afraid to live life for fear of making someone mad or hurting someones feelings. She started feeling anxious about the way life was going. By the end of their seven year marriage. She was tired of feeling so low. Feeling unwanted, pushed aside, of hiding.
When she left for the final time, it was like life sucked her into a black hole. She was completely lost. A single mom wasn't how her life was suppose to happen. Her fairy tale was shattered. She did it to herself though. What did she expect to happen when she decided to marry out of anger at her parents instead of for love. Although she loves her children more than her own life, she also felt regret for the life she had forced upon them. A life of seeing battles between their parents. A life of never having what they needed unless their maternal grandmother and grandfather helped. Now, let me assure you, the father's family did plenty, he use to try to be a good father after she left.
A few months after leaving, she found a man. One she had swore to herself she would not allow herself to be more than a friend to. However, once again, God had another plan. She doubted an online relationship would ever blossom into anything. Who really falls in love online? Upon meeting this man, she found that it was very possible! Finally, she was happy to be with someone. Now, to tell you that her life was perfect with him through the first couple years would be a lie. The road was very rocky. Even more so after she found out she was pregnant with his child. However, that is another story all together. However, life had panned out to be a decent life.
In January, I found myself severely missing the life that, that little girl once had. She had such a wonderful perspective on life. She had what she NEEDED, and loved everything and everyone around her. She hadn't faced any losses, other than the "hot" toy of the moment. She had both parents, and up until she was 8, had grandparents on both parent's side. The woman she had become was just starting to feel her place in the world. She was picking up the pieces of her life from the mess she had made of it not long ago. However, on that terrible Sunday morning, the call she got seemed to end the world she had put together. The man who helped form the woman of 28, left her to be with our Lord.
This man meant more to her then she could have ever imagined. He left marks on her life that can never be removed. A kind man who was the most wonderful grandfather that a girl would ever want. A veteran of World War II, a survivor of Polio. An avid man of God. No, he wasn't perfect, but really none of us are. He worked hard to support his family. Tending tobacco to help keep a roof over their head. Many times they had no clue where the food would come from, but his faith was strong and dinner was always on the table. Once the grand babies came along, he was as much of a father as he could be. He is severely missed.
Now where does all this come into play of the girl and the woman she grew to be? This man helped to make her, at one point, a confident woman. One who witnessed his hard work, and new that's what it would take to become a person he would be proud of. Now she sits wondering about her life, and wanting to fill the void he has left in her.
Now we are somewhat up to today. Tomorrow will make four months since his passing, and I have yet to properly grieve the loss of him. I have cried, been angry, depressed, angry again, denied the fact he isn't coming home. Still nights like tonight make my heart need to feel his hugs, and see the love he carried in his eyes. To have someone to sit in silence as he watched his game shows.
Tonight, filled with worries and fears, tears and screams that I have to hide. I am weak. The burdens I hide from the world has me broken so far down that I can't see any light of hope. My life has become a day to day mundane field of worries. Do I pay the electric bill this week, or get my husband's medication? Do I pay the bills or feed the kids? Daily watching out the window for some hope that things will get better. Wondering if I take good enough care of my kids, or if I am even strong enough anymore to take care of them.
I don't really know where this blog will lead, but as I write I do so in hopes that someone will find some sort of comfort in their life, in their importance in the world. The kids watch Disney channel all the time, and I constantly hear "throw a pebble in the water and make a wave". I suppose this is all wrote up in hopes that I may finally become a wave. To finally find my place in this world. Should it become something of a second nature to me, maybe I can find peace in my own life.
Now for the rest of the night, I'll be waiting out the bills to see if there is a possible way to provide the NEEDED things in our life.
Feel free to leave any comments, or suggestions if you have ideas of how you would like to see things go here.
I can remember being little and seeing kids with things that I could never have. Things that at the time I'm sure were, to me, must haves. The little girl in pictures from that time seems to be lost in the woman she has grown to be. The little girl, who wanted to be a singer, teacher, and doctor, has turned into a mom of three, divorcee, and remarried. A woman who sometimes feels so lost that life just seems to leave her nonexistent to many around her. The little girl from so long ago has long since passed on and left no mark on the world. Just videos and pictures to prove she did at one point feel full of life. Who at one point existed.
Here is the story that has this woman missing the little girl more each day...
The Morning of May 26th 1999, a bright and beautiful day. The girl, who had just one month to the day had turned 18, was graduating. She was set to take on the world. She wasn't in the top of her class, but graduated with a rather high G.P.A. She was so proud of where she was. Sitting amongst her fellow classmates, who had battled the war with high school and was able to proudly walk across that stage. She knew she would miss the life of getting up early to chase her dreams of taking on the world and leaving her mark.
God had other plans though. Rather, she has other plans, or however you want to look at it. She became bitter at the world, and started being less active and fell into a relationship with and married a man who helped her destroy her life. A man who little by little created the woman she is today. The woman who is afraid of people, afraid to live life for fear of making someone mad or hurting someones feelings. She started feeling anxious about the way life was going. By the end of their seven year marriage. She was tired of feeling so low. Feeling unwanted, pushed aside, of hiding.
When she left for the final time, it was like life sucked her into a black hole. She was completely lost. A single mom wasn't how her life was suppose to happen. Her fairy tale was shattered. She did it to herself though. What did she expect to happen when she decided to marry out of anger at her parents instead of for love. Although she loves her children more than her own life, she also felt regret for the life she had forced upon them. A life of seeing battles between their parents. A life of never having what they needed unless their maternal grandmother and grandfather helped. Now, let me assure you, the father's family did plenty, he use to try to be a good father after she left.
A few months after leaving, she found a man. One she had swore to herself she would not allow herself to be more than a friend to. However, once again, God had another plan. She doubted an online relationship would ever blossom into anything. Who really falls in love online? Upon meeting this man, she found that it was very possible! Finally, she was happy to be with someone. Now, to tell you that her life was perfect with him through the first couple years would be a lie. The road was very rocky. Even more so after she found out she was pregnant with his child. However, that is another story all together. However, life had panned out to be a decent life.
In January, I found myself severely missing the life that, that little girl once had. She had such a wonderful perspective on life. She had what she NEEDED, and loved everything and everyone around her. She hadn't faced any losses, other than the "hot" toy of the moment. She had both parents, and up until she was 8, had grandparents on both parent's side. The woman she had become was just starting to feel her place in the world. She was picking up the pieces of her life from the mess she had made of it not long ago. However, on that terrible Sunday morning, the call she got seemed to end the world she had put together. The man who helped form the woman of 28, left her to be with our Lord.
This man meant more to her then she could have ever imagined. He left marks on her life that can never be removed. A kind man who was the most wonderful grandfather that a girl would ever want. A veteran of World War II, a survivor of Polio. An avid man of God. No, he wasn't perfect, but really none of us are. He worked hard to support his family. Tending tobacco to help keep a roof over their head. Many times they had no clue where the food would come from, but his faith was strong and dinner was always on the table. Once the grand babies came along, he was as much of a father as he could be. He is severely missed.
Now where does all this come into play of the girl and the woman she grew to be? This man helped to make her, at one point, a confident woman. One who witnessed his hard work, and new that's what it would take to become a person he would be proud of. Now she sits wondering about her life, and wanting to fill the void he has left in her.
Now we are somewhat up to today. Tomorrow will make four months since his passing, and I have yet to properly grieve the loss of him. I have cried, been angry, depressed, angry again, denied the fact he isn't coming home. Still nights like tonight make my heart need to feel his hugs, and see the love he carried in his eyes. To have someone to sit in silence as he watched his game shows.
Tonight, filled with worries and fears, tears and screams that I have to hide. I am weak. The burdens I hide from the world has me broken so far down that I can't see any light of hope. My life has become a day to day mundane field of worries. Do I pay the electric bill this week, or get my husband's medication? Do I pay the bills or feed the kids? Daily watching out the window for some hope that things will get better. Wondering if I take good enough care of my kids, or if I am even strong enough anymore to take care of them.
I don't really know where this blog will lead, but as I write I do so in hopes that someone will find some sort of comfort in their life, in their importance in the world. The kids watch Disney channel all the time, and I constantly hear "throw a pebble in the water and make a wave". I suppose this is all wrote up in hopes that I may finally become a wave. To finally find my place in this world. Should it become something of a second nature to me, maybe I can find peace in my own life.
Now for the rest of the night, I'll be waiting out the bills to see if there is a possible way to provide the NEEDED things in our life.
Feel free to leave any comments, or suggestions if you have ideas of how you would like to see things go here.
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