I sit there tonight, this morning, however you wish to look at it, and wonder about my life. I spend most nights remembering how things have happened to me, or things I have seen. A mere 29 years and 26 days. Plenty of life should have been in those years.
I can remember being little and seeing kids with things that I could never have. Things that at the time I'm sure were, to me, must haves. The little girl in pictures from that time seems to be lost in the woman she has grown to be. The little girl, who wanted to be a singer, teacher, and doctor, has turned into a mom of three, divorcee, and remarried. A woman who sometimes feels so lost that life just seems to leave her nonexistent to many around her. The little girl from so long ago has long since passed on and left no mark on the world. Just videos and pictures to prove she did at one point feel full of life. Who at one point existed.
Here is the story that has this woman missing the little girl more each day...
The Morning of May 26th 1999, a bright and beautiful day. The girl, who had just one month to the day had turned 18, was graduating. She was set to take on the world. She wasn't in the top of her class, but graduated with a rather high G.P.A. She was so proud of where she was. Sitting amongst her fellow classmates, who had battled the war with high school and was able to proudly walk across that stage. She knew she would miss the life of getting up early to chase her dreams of taking on the world and leaving her mark.
God had other plans though. Rather, she has other plans, or however you want to look at it. She became bitter at the world, and started being less active and fell into a relationship with and married a man who helped her destroy her life. A man who little by little created the woman she is today. The woman who is afraid of people, afraid to live life for fear of making someone mad or hurting someones feelings. She started feeling anxious about the way life was going. By the end of their seven year marriage. She was tired of feeling so low. Feeling unwanted, pushed aside, of hiding.
When she left for the final time, it was like life sucked her into a black hole. She was completely lost. A single mom wasn't how her life was suppose to happen. Her fairy tale was shattered. She did it to herself though. What did she expect to happen when she decided to marry out of anger at her parents instead of for love. Although she loves her children more than her own life, she also felt regret for the life she had forced upon them. A life of seeing battles between their parents. A life of never having what they needed unless their maternal grandmother and grandfather helped. Now, let me assure you, the father's family did plenty, he use to try to be a good father after she left.
A few months after leaving, she found a man. One she had swore to herself she would not allow herself to be more than a friend to. However, once again, God had another plan. She doubted an online relationship would ever blossom into anything. Who really falls in love online? Upon meeting this man, she found that it was very possible! Finally, she was happy to be with someone. Now, to tell you that her life was perfect with him through the first couple years would be a lie. The road was very rocky. Even more so after she found out she was pregnant with his child. However, that is another story all together. However, life had panned out to be a decent life.
In January, I found myself severely missing the life that, that little girl once had. She had such a wonderful perspective on life. She had what she NEEDED, and loved everything and everyone around her. She hadn't faced any losses, other than the "hot" toy of the moment. She had both parents, and up until she was 8, had grandparents on both parent's side. The woman she had become was just starting to feel her place in the world. She was picking up the pieces of her life from the mess she had made of it not long ago. However, on that terrible Sunday morning, the call she got seemed to end the world she had put together. The man who helped form the woman of 28, left her to be with our Lord.
This man meant more to her then she could have ever imagined. He left marks on her life that can never be removed. A kind man who was the most wonderful grandfather that a girl would ever want. A veteran of World War II, a survivor of Polio. An avid man of God. No, he wasn't perfect, but really none of us are. He worked hard to support his family. Tending tobacco to help keep a roof over their head. Many times they had no clue where the food would come from, but his faith was strong and dinner was always on the table. Once the grand babies came along, he was as much of a father as he could be. He is severely missed.
Now where does all this come into play of the girl and the woman she grew to be? This man helped to make her, at one point, a confident woman. One who witnessed his hard work, and new that's what it would take to become a person he would be proud of. Now she sits wondering about her life, and wanting to fill the void he has left in her.
Now we are somewhat up to today. Tomorrow will make four months since his passing, and I have yet to properly grieve the loss of him. I have cried, been angry, depressed, angry again, denied the fact he isn't coming home. Still nights like tonight make my heart need to feel his hugs, and see the love he carried in his eyes. To have someone to sit in silence as he watched his game shows.
Tonight, filled with worries and fears, tears and screams that I have to hide. I am weak. The burdens I hide from the world has me broken so far down that I can't see any light of hope. My life has become a day to day mundane field of worries. Do I pay the electric bill this week, or get my husband's medication? Do I pay the bills or feed the kids? Daily watching out the window for some hope that things will get better. Wondering if I take good enough care of my kids, or if I am even strong enough anymore to take care of them.
I don't really know where this blog will lead, but as I write I do so in hopes that someone will find some sort of comfort in their life, in their importance in the world. The kids watch Disney channel all the time, and I constantly hear "throw a pebble in the water and make a wave". I suppose this is all wrote up in hopes that I may finally become a wave. To finally find my place in this world. Should it become something of a second nature to me, maybe I can find peace in my own life.
Now for the rest of the night, I'll be waiting out the bills to see if there is a possible way to provide the NEEDED things in our life.
Feel free to leave any comments, or suggestions if you have ideas of how you would like to see things go here.
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