Where to start. I guess at 7:30 this morning, when mom called asking me to bring her and dad something they had forgotten to take to the flea market. My first mistake was agreeing to bring it to them. My second mistake was believing that my marriage was strong enough to handle anything. Trying to help everyone plus keep a happy home life isn’t as easy as I like to pretend it is. In my mind, it should be easy to make sure everyone is happy, and be the good wife. Problem is, when I face reality, I’m the one who ends up falling apart at the seems. Physically and emotionally.
Any way, I get up when mom calls, wake David up asking if he wants to go with me. Naturally, he didn’t, it wasn’t a shock that he didn’t want to go. I get MaKaliah ready and myself of course, and out the door we go. I was to go to mom’s pick up her truck and the item they forgot, and off I went. The whole trip down there, the whole hour and a half trip, you would think I would have had time to think about things in my life. However, with a three year old, it’s hard to think of much more than keeping her happy for the trip.
I arrive with the item and the sat there while customer’s came and went. Watching each person as they stopped or walked by. Wondering how the couples that were there could be so happy with each other. None of them acted as if they were the slightest error in the other. I remember thinking “Life isn’t that good for anyone.” I can’t seem to figure out how anyone can find that much contentment in their lives. Spiritually, I am content, extremely content, but relationship wise I can’t find that contentment. Although I love my husband with no end. There are parts of our relationship that makes me wonder if that love is returned. I admit I’m not perfect. I don’t go to sleep like he can, I’m a night owl. I HATE our bed, for that matter, I have issues with beds period.
I wonder at times what more I could do to assure that he is never upset. When he comes home from work I bring him his dinner as soon as it’s done. I drag out any hour of the night if he needs clothes washed. The one thing I don’t do is sleep in that bed. Shouldn’t he be happy to have someone to act as a maid to him, someone who is completely dedicated to him. Someone who would rather die than to give him up. Is that not enough? I struggle daily with emotions and fears of losing him. Yet, from him, I feel not wanted at times. I mean anyone can make someone feel sexy. I feel at times that I’m not good enough for him. However, to tell him that would be like telling this whole blog to pick up and take life. Things I say about how he makes me feel seems to mean nothing to him. If I ask him if he wants me to leave he says no. So my question is, why would he want me to be here if it’s so hard to be happy with me and our lives. Why would he want to push me away?
I know he has stresses, but, so do I. He works comes home and is served his dinner and soda without having to move unless he so chooses to. I do not FORCE him to care for himself unless I am just not going to be here. Is that what I’m doing wrong? Is it not enough to know someone would give their live to feel one ounce of your love? He shows no feelings at all. No love, no appreciation, not even an ounce of concern for more than himself. He doesn’t play with the kids, sometimes it’s like he ignores them completely. Granted, the two older ones aren’t his, but at times they are the closest thing they have to a daddy. Sometimes when they come home from a visit from their dad’s he is so angry with them. I know he completely despises their dad, but to act angry at them over it isn’t fair to them. They didn’t ask to be in the situation they are in. I am in NO way defending their “donor”. He was a terrible husband all the way around, but to treat the kids with anger after their visits from them is not fair to them.
I had been keeping the way the kids feel about David from him. Not because I didn’t want him to want them, but because what was the point of telling him if he didn’t want them around. When I told him, he acted like that changed his view of them, but once they were home, he was back to the same actions. I years me up watching him around them, and seeing the hurt in them at his rejections. Sometimes, I just feel everyone would be better off if I could find a cave in the woods and hide. Just keep myself away from everyone to save them all from the adverse effects I seem to have on everyone’s life. Then, I stop to think of how empty that would leave my kids feeling. I know they need me, and I know I need them. So leaving them is not an option. I would rather live a million fights and troubles than to not have them in my life.
It seems lately, this woman, seems more and more lost in this life. Nothing seems to pan out as planned. David’s glucose levels are through the roof and honestly, we haven’t had the additional $25 to even consider getting his insulin. Naturally, I carry the blame for that, according to him. With all the bills that seem to keep piling up medications, even with his insurance through work, fall to the back burner. Aside from his insulin, he medications are $40 per month. Now I know anyone who reads this is going to say “Seriously? $40 per month, and your complaining?” I’m not complaining because he needs them. However, it is just so hard to find the extra money a month that is needed to get them. I do all the work at home things I can find. None of which are paying the bills. I do my best to help all those that I can, yet, I find myself stuck outside of everything. How is it you give your all to help those who you can, or well could at one time, and when your falling flat on your face no one is there.
Sorry for ranting so long, and not really making any sense. It’s been a very upsetting night and I just want it to end. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.
UPDATED @ 1:07 AM…
With my Designz By Dee site, I made and advertising offer. With that offer, I raised more than enough to get the insulin needed for my husband. I can never repay these ladies and wouldn’t have a clue where to begin to repay their kindness. Please watch the blog for links and banners for their sites. Stop by and help each of them out if you can!
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