May 31st. Memorial Day

Today I finally went to gramdpa's grave. It wasn't has hard as I had imagined, but it was far from easy. I felt as if going up there was admittance from my mind that he was really gone. I can't say that it will be easier for me to visit his grave, but I know each time will get easier. I know I will eventually accept God's taking of him. I know God has a plan, and soon we shall see that unfold. His taking of my grandpa was the beginning of a bigger thing for my family. Although, right now, it seems that each one of us are drifting apart more. Maybe things haven't changed really, but to me it seems that way.

As I approached his plot, time seemed to have stopped. Almost as if I was walking on air. I had built myself to believe that he would be "visible" to me. At the least, I would have felt him there. That wasn't the case. I couldn't feel him, see him, hear him. He was completely gone. That was my fear. The reason I was unwilling to accept his passing. I didn't want to lose him completely, and today it felt as though I had. My uncle Jerry pointed out that I had, had something a lot of people don't/didn't have. I had memories of my grandfather. That statement alone made me think of what I really did get during his last month of life. I got to live with him. I got to see him when he woke up, and see him before he laid down. I got to be with him all day for almost a month. Something kept me there, I knew we should have went back home before we did, but something pushed me to stay. I got to see his last smiles. The last bit of love he had for my grandmother. The last laughs he had with my children. However, I also saw the last of his suffering, worries, sadness. The last of his life.
I can remember a dream I had not long before he passed. It was as if I was floating above him. He was laying in his hospital bed. Alone. I saw him take his last deep breath. I never spoke a word to anyone about that until after he passed. Helplessly watching him slowly die was murder for me. Selfish, I know. I was very selfish. I didn't want to give him up. The last thing I wanted was to live the rest of my life without him there.
I constantly beat myself up with "could of, should of". The day before he passed, he had asked to see my three year old. Now, before anyone thinks that he loved her more than the rest, he DIDN'T. She was the baby of the great grand kids. She would do stuff to make him laugh, and at the same time, do things to get him to fight with her. However, I didn't take her that night. I told mom that it was to late to go, and that I would take her as soon as I could. Mom said that she would take her the next morning. I told her that was fine, that if she wanted to take her, I would go help dad at the flea market. I had no clue that those words would come back to haunt me that next morning. Almost half way to our stop, dad and I come to an unusual signal area for our cell phones. At that moment my world stopped. I had a voice mail from my uncle that I needed to call granny's house immediately. Simultaneously dad gets a call from mom telling him to get home quick. Grampa had passed. Naturally, I was mad after the fact. The thought of "Why hadn't he waited for the visit that was planned for that day?", "Why, would God take that from him and her?" I waited for God's answer and still haven't got the answer, but slowly, I'm understanding that it wasn't meant for me to understand.
I suppose it's not meant for me to ever know the answers to those questions. That's ok though, because I know soon we will see him again. I just have to keep faith. I have to keep pushing my family and myself. So, I suppose for tonight, I will leave you with another poem. Hopefully, with this blog, someone will see that life truly is short, and we need to spend it loving those who mean the most to us.

Today I visited your grave.
Trying to remember what you gave.
Looking for answers in the wind.
Praying that I will not break, but only bend.

I held up strong in memory of you.
Still inside, I wish I knew.
The reason for why you had to go.
Daily, my heart will learn to grow.

I'll learn to live without you here
And hope to always feel you near.
I'll keep living and will always pray.
In hopes that God will let me see you again some day!